My sweet bear,
I’m so sorry for all the ways I’m failing you and will continue to fail you. I never realized just how selfish and easily angered I am until becoming a parent. Especially since you’ve entered toddlerhood. You’re this tiny person who is developing ideas and opinions, thoughts and oh-so-big feelings. And my tendency to be selfish and easily angered is so far from where I want to be when I see you expressing your thoughts and declaring your independence as a little boy.
I love you, son. My favorite definition of Love is found in 1 Corinthians 13. I tend to overlook these verses because I feel like they’re overused but the Word of God can’t be overused in my hateful heart. I need it more than I could ever realize. Verses 4 and 5 speak of love being patient and kind. It says that love never demands its own way and that love is not irritable. Well, my dear Jameson … I have shown you the very opposite of love today. I have been anything but patient and kind. I have demanded my own way even when it came at the cost of hurting you. And I have been terribly irritable. I’m so sorry.
I want you to grow up seeing two strong, kind, loving parents who lead you well but still give you the freedom you need to grow. I want you to see that we aren’t afraid to apologize and make amends when we screw up in any situation, toward any person :: including you. Hopefully we’ll screw up less and less.
I know that you are watching us, taking it all in. And I want for your father and I to be examples of all the good things. I want to be an example of creativity. I want to be an example of health. I want to be an example of wisdom. I want to be an example of truth. I want to be an example of joy.
Above all else, I want to be an example of Christlikeness. I want you to see the fruit of kindness and patience in me. I want you to see the fruit of self-control and peace in me. I want you to see the fruit of love.
And for you to see that… to really, truly see that… I must remain deeply rooted in The Lord.
Whenever we put you in time out we always hug and kiss you afterward and tell you that it’s okay. We tell you that whatever the cause for discipline was that you’ll remember next time. For example: “You’ll remember next time that we don’t hit sissy.”
Well here I am. I’ve had my time out and I’m telling myself. “It’s okay, Kelly. You’ll remember next time to be patient and understanding. You’ll do better.” And I will.
I love you, baby bear. Thank you for growing with me as I try to become the best mom I can be. The mom I want you to remember. The mom you deserve.