What Have You Done?

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Well, this started out as a status update but then became too lengthy so I thought… what the hell?

I’m feeling hurt and thankful today. Hurt by my thankfulness. Does that make sense? Are you ever so grateful about something that you feel undeserving? So undeserving that it hurts and kind of makes you feel bad? Well, that’s how I feel right now. Kinda resentful too. How ridiculous. I know it’s my own pride and insecurity that makes me feel this way. But I also think it’s the enemy aiming to drain me of my worth that is found in Jesus. Sorry, evil one, today you lose.

I’m feeling hurt and thankful. Thankful for each person who has ever chosen to forgive me. I’m feeling humbled as I look back at who I was. Selfish. Angry. Lustful. Dishonest. Resentful. Manipulative. Worse some years over others.

I have hurt a lot of people. Some unintentionally. Plenty on purpose. Some have forgiven me and others can’t or won’t.

A general apology will never cut it and I’ll try to make it right.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not drowning in self-pity or sorrow. I do feel bad for who I was and plenty for who I still am. I suck on a regular basis. I’m not drowning because instead I am swimming in the grace of Jesus Christ.

Today I’m thankful for the scandal of grace.

Forever undeserving.

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One response »

  1. I love you, Sister 🙂 I love reading everything you ever write, because your heart is so apparent in it. I think that’s what hurt the most whenever you were going through the period of your life right before Luke – it’s that you were living your life without your heart, and as much as you tried to claim that you were the same person, I could tell your heart wasn’t in it. I love your heart, Kelly. And I love how it beats for God even when it’s broken, hurt, and sin-scarred, because you know God is the only one who can heal it, fragile as it is. You inspire me, and I am so thankful for you.

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