There are three things I need for my life at this place in time:
I need to stop believing that I can’t properly love Jesus unless I’m in crisis. I have this problem drawing near to Him unless some horrible thing is pushing me. Just as many people don’t pray unless they need Him, I don’t seek His face unless I’m surrounded. I still worship Him. I still love Him. I still speak to Him. I still speak about Him. I still try to lead others to Him. But my intimate moments with Him suffer greatly in the times when I’m happy. It’s pretty screwed up. It’s pretty screwed up that because the last three months have been the happiest times of my life thus far, I have not allowed myself to seek Him in the quiet. Yes, of course I realize I’m not the only person who struggles with this and I ‘m aware of the difficulty in that when theres a new baby taking over everything and I know my Abba is waiting patiently in understanding. But I so desperately need to learn how to love and seek Him when I’m happy. Not just on Sunday. I need to stop waiting for horrible things to happen. I’m so familiar with how to love God when I’m in pain. I still connect best with songs of worship that cry out in agony. Even though I haven’t been in true agony for quite some time. I need to learn to connect with the songs of love and joy. I need to learn to connect with the fact that the years I spent begging God to restore my life have been answered in my godly husband, my healthy child, my loving family and my biblical church. I am blessed. I need to learn to live a life of fulfillment.
I need to learn how to pray. It’s hard to admit this to myself even though I’ve never been too shy about this. It’s still hard to admit it to my friends and family. And especially to my church who I help lead in worship. It’s hard to tell them that I don’t know how to pray. I don’t know how to ask God for things. I don’t know how to ask God to watch over my son. To make him healthy. To protect him. To prepare the way. I don’t know how to pray for my husband. That he’ll be pure and faithful. That he’ll lead us well and not be worn out. That he will grow in wisdom and truth. I don’t know how to pray for the salvation of my friends who are wandering away from or plain running from the Savior that would make their life so much richer. I don’t know how to pray for my family that have uprooted their lives and are living across the world in a dark place. All for His renown. I don’t know how to pray.
I need to become a better friend. I am a passionate person. When I love someone, I love them deeply. I’m fairly confident that my friends and family know this. But I need to become better at cultivating these friendships. Part of the reason I don’t is from being betrayed or hurt in the past. I know I’m not alone. The other reason is because I’m lazy and selfish. I don’t feel like putting forth the effort to ask how people are doing. Or I don’t feel like putting forth the effort to take people out and spend the day laughing and sharing and making memories. I’ve spent so much time becoming a hermit that I have made myself an island. Yes, I am blessed by a wonderful family unit right now. But they aren’t the only people in my life. And I need to become a better friend. I need to stop being so critical. I need to take things less seriously. I need to stop being so controlling. I need to be a better person.
And none of these things will happen until I daily, all day, turn my face upward.
God, help me to learn to love You in times of sheer joy and extreme suffering. You give. You take away. I want to praise You in each season. Most people need help seeking Your face when they’re surrounded by pain. I’ve got that down unfortunately. I need help seeking you now. In my happiness. In my provision. In my blessing. You are enough even now, when I’m not afflicted. You are enough when I seem to have everything I need. But I don’t have everything I need if I don’t have You. If I don’t have You, what’s the point?