This past weekend Luke and I scoured through my boxes in my parents storage units trying to take inventory for when we soon move. We found a handful of my old journals, some of which I wrote when Luke and I first started dated. I nabbed them because I knew that they would help in sparking memories as I write out our story. Well, I spent the better part of my day today reading through these journals and I came across quite an incredible journal entry.
It’s not entirely unknown that in 2007 I walked away from the Lord. If you want to read a little about that, please go here. Well, the year before I wrote this. And this is well before I began hating the Lord or had any plans to give up the Christian faith. I had NO IDEA [nor any plans for] the things that I would choose and the things that would happen to me in the next year. Until today, I also had absolutely no recollection of writing this. But there it was, in my handwriting, plain as day.
“I wrote a thing the other day. Not a poem. Not a song. Just a thing. About You. About Your cross. About redemption.
Jesus is on that cross. Looking at me.
There are these moments. Moments when I think about the blood covering Jesus. Moments when I think about His resurrection. And it’s as if I was standing right there when He stepped out of the grave. And I’m standing there unrecognizable because I’m covered head to toe with mud and dirt. The mud and dirt of my sin.
And a smile bursts across His face. He grabs my hand and runs. We run as fast as possible until we end up back at the cross. The same cross He was murdered on days before.
He grabs a rag.
And starts drenching it with His blood.
He then begins scrubbing me.
He starts washing away all the mud.
Every last clump of dirt.
And the thing is…while He is doing this,
He stops for a second and thinks to Himself,
“I know she’s going to mess up.
I know she’s going to lie.
I know she’s going to cheat.
I know she’s going to do drugs.
I know she’s going to have sex with people.
I know she’s going to drink herself to sleep.
I know she’s going to judge people.
I know she is going to be mean.
I know she’ll disobey.
I know she’ll run.
I know there will be times when she pretends to not even know me.”
He scrubs a little more.
Then He looks me in the eye, with tears falling from His own and He says,
“Child, don’t forget.
Don’t forget about what I did here.
Don’t forget about this blood.
Don’t forget that I did it for you.
Don’t forget how much I love you.
I know that you’re going to run.
I know that.
But I’ll wait.
I’ll wait for you to come back.
And this mud, this dirt.
It’s washed away forever because that’s just how much I love you.
My blood that poured out was for you.
It’s more powerful than your sin.
And you’re clean.
And you know what?
You were worth it.”
So, I read this today and proceeded to laugh and cry for an hour in complete disbelief. If it weren’t in my own handwriting, I’m not sure I would believe it. I’m not gonna go as far to say that I wrote prophetically in my journal that day. But holy crap. What an incredible way for God to pour truth and light into my life. Even knowing that it would have a deeper effect on me today, 7 years later, than it did then.