I’m Not Stupid

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I’m not stupid.

I know that smoking is really, really bad for you in a plethora of ways. Especially when you’re asthmatic.

I’m not stupid.

I know that weighing 235 pounds can’t be the healthiest I can be.

I’m not stupid.

I know that drinking ten gazillion cups of coffee with a good dose of creamer in them every day can’t be good for you.

I’m not stupid.

I know these things.

 

But something happened to me last week. I thought I was pregnant. I mean, I really truly thought I was pregnant. [I am 100% NOT pregnant, for the record] For the last week and a half. I won’t go into all the intimate details with you but I had all the major proof I needed to realize that I was pregnant. All but a positive test [which most of know sometimes takes time]. So, what did I do while waiting for the positive test? I quit smoking. I quit binge eating. I went down to one cup of a coffee a day. And I started working out.

 

Because though I reallllllly knew that all those things were no bueno for my heart, my mind, my body — I didn’t accept it. I had decided that I would pay for consequences later.

As far as my weight goes — I have reached an incredibly happy place. I heard once that when you no longer have an “ideal” body shape to attach yourself to [whether through major weight gain or major weight loss] you have to truly find who you ARE. And I have done that. Since Luke and I have been married [almost 4 years] I have gained nearly 60 pounds. And up until this last January I hated every inch of my body. Every stretch mark. But something occurred to me in the begging of the year: Yes, I need to be healthier. And yes, I need to lose weight — but I am going to stop hating my body in the process. I wish I could explain how I got to that place but I can’t. All I can say is that it was one of the happiest decisions I ever made for myself. And I think that I NEEDED this year to be big. To be the biggest I’ve ever been. Because had I not had it – I think I may have lived a very unhealthy life not ever really knowing who I am.

 

And while I have had time to embrace my body – I have now accepted it’s time to change. And that’s the thing, we can’t be forced into these things. I knew that the day would come when I would want it for myself. I, however, did not realize it would come in the form of a possible pregnancy.

 

Luke and I have been ecstatic this entire past week hoping that we were pregnant and no, we are not “trying”. We both quickly realized there were a lot of changes that needed to be made. Physically, Spiritually, Financially.

The last few days have been 100%, completely devastating realizing that I was not, in fact, expecting our first child. I cried. And I cried. And I cried. The first thing I wanted to do was smoke. Oh man, I wanted to smoke ALL the cigarettes.

But I didn’t. I prayed. And I thanked God for His perfect timing. I thanked Him for His provision. I thanked Him for the gift of an amazing husband who would do anything and everything for this family of his.

And then I went outside and I worked out. It wasn’t much. But it was damn sure more than I’m used to doing.

 

Because if thinking I’m pregnant is enough to jar me into action, so be it.

 

Because now it’s more than not being stupid. Now it’s more than KNOWING that smoking is bad, and booku’s [how DO you spell that?] of coffee is bad, and being overweight isn’t the best. I really understand it now. I understand that I want a fuller life for those children I’ll have one day. I want to quit smoking so I’ll live longer and see THEIR grand-kids. I want to lose weight and quit smoking so I’ll be healthier and it will be a joy to chase my little ones around the yard, instead of a painful chore. The coffee, well, i just need to quit that.

 

For whatever reason, this post has been a terrifying one to put out there. More so than this one or many others. Why is that? Why is it easier to share the personal details, the spiritual details that no body sees. It’s not like anyone is shocked that I weigh more than 200 lbs. But I think this post has been a pivotal one in the beginning of my transforming journey to a better life.

 

Thank you for reading. Hopefully, thank you for not judging. And hopefully, thank you for cheering me on.

 

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cheers, ka

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7 responses »

  1. Kelly Ann, we all have those moments in life. We come to a realization that we are engaging in destructive behaviors and start making changes. They don’t happen over night…we did not get there over night and they don’t go away over night. The journey and it is a journey is like a marathon. My point I’ve been where you are and am still making changes. Hope this will encourage you to press on, remember we all love you!

  2. Kelly Ann you are beautiful truly beauiful inside and out. And when you do have a baby you will be the best Mom ever! As I’m gaining all my wieght back I can’t seem to get started back on the exercise program. I’m not stupid! You inspired me!! Thank You!!!!!!

  3. Hi, this is a great post and good for you ! When I quit smoking, I had to stay
    away from friends that smoked,had to stop having my morning coffee, and
    I worked relentlessly in my garden.
    It all turned out well and I had a beautiful yard when Fall came around.
    That was 25 years ago and I still don’t smoke.

  4. Kelly Ann,

    When I got to the part of your post where you wrote, “As far as my weight goes β€” I have reached an incredibly happy place. I heard once that when you no longer have an β€œideal” body shape to attach yourself to [whether through major weight gain or major weight loss] you have to truly find who you ARE. And I have done that. Since Luke and I have been married [almost 4 years] I have gained nearly 60 pounds.” It gave me such a happy feeling. I’m delighted to think that you’re in an “incredibly happy place”.

    Before I married my wife I would feel so jealous when I’d hear women talking that way, especially where you said, ” Since Luke and I have been married [almost 4 years] I have gained nearly 60 pounds.” I remember way way back when I was a teenager (about 40 years ago) learning about guys whose wives started gaining weight soon after the wedding and I’d think, “Lucky devil!!”. Different guys feel differently, of course, but to me there is something magnificently captivating about a beautiful slim woman who blossoms into a beautiful fat woman — especially when the gain puts her in a ‘happy place’ and she comes to realize her inner beauty as well.

    Since getting married myself I’ve become a “lucky devil”. My wife was beautiful and sexy when I married her and she’s beautiful and sexy now — but now there’s an extra dimension of sensuality in our shared affection as she’s acquired an irresistible quality of snuggliness that, to my mind, really heightens her womanliness.

    I hope Luke appreciates his status as a ‘lucky devil’ because he most certainly is!! You should both thank God you’ve reached an incredibly happy place.

    Don’t fret about the baby. Remember, that’s in God’s hands!

    πŸ™‚

    Paul

  5. Sister, Geezer, best friend….I love you so much. I love reading about your heart and where God has you right now. I’m sitting her in tears and joy because of the journey you have just begun. I moved through every emotion with you in this post, and I wish I lived closer to you so I could come see you and cheer you on and work out with you and just…love you so much from so close. But I can’t be there. Just know that I love you. Thank you for sharing your heart. It was something I needed to see. Because I’m trying to lose weight and become healthier as well, but I keep looking at women that are skinnier than I am and wishing I was there. I need to stop, and I need to be able to love my body and who I am as well. You are my amazing Geezer and I love you πŸ™‚

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