Today was interesting. It’s 4 o’clock so I still have time to make it better.
I’ve always believed that God knows everything. Not that it’s always been easy for me to believe that, but I’ve always believed it nonetheless. There are other things that I have struggled believing in the past and sometimes still do. For instance, that God is good, that heaven is real, why we worship Him. Things like that. Anyway — God knows everything. I believe it. Which means, I also have to believe that He isn’t surprised when I screw up. So, that’s something else I’ve pretty much always believed.
But something new to me is trying to believe that He isn’t angry with me when I sin. That He isn’t disappointed. My day today is beyond my comprehension. The first several hours of the day were incredible. The morning was spent in worship, quiet rest, reading the Scripture and journaling.
But then it turned to lazy, defiant sin. In a flash. In a flash, I can turn into such an ugly person. I don’t get it. Sometimes, I’m extremely intentional about sin and I have no problem owning up to that. What frustrates and baffles me is when it seems truly accidental. I know that if I were to dig deeply, I could acknowledge that I have the option to be in control of every sinful action I make. But I don’t see that right now. Maybe I’m just deceiving myself. I really don’t know.
Sometimes I’m relieved and thankful that God knows me. That He sees me to the core. That He knows when I rise and when I fall. That nothing is hidden from His sight. Other times it infuriates me. I guess that’s just my shame.
But regardless, He knows me. He sees me. He knows why I do the things I hate and the things that confuse me. He gets it. I wish He would impart a little of that knowledge onto me. Even as I write this I realize that though He sees every major and minor mistake I make, He still LOVES me. I know that that is because He IS love. God doesn’t just HAVE love. He isn’t just CAPABLE of love. He IS love. I can’t do anything to make Him love me more and I can’t do anything to make Him love me less. So, though He may be disappointed or angry with me [I’m still figuring that one out] He still loves me. He is a Father, after all. That’s what good father’s do. They see us at our worst and love us the same.
I feel quite undeserving of that love. And I guess I am.